Some More Feelings

Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, but it tore us apart. There was not one night where I didn't feel as though something sneaky was happening, and the lung crushing, heart racing feeling still envelops over my body every night. I know that this man absolutely adores the shit out of me. He would do anything, so where is my appreciation? Why am I unable to give this to him? Because I can not settle down. I have failed to be loyal emotionally, and that is a battle that I could not continue any longer. The matter was explained to him numerous times, but he stated that it was okay and normal for me to think about him, to wonder why he suddenly disappeared. It's more than that, I am not ready to be with someone such as him. My heart is still up in the air, and I can not look into the mirror yet and tell myself that I am beautiful, and though he reminds me every day, it is still a fact that I can not comprehend. Loving your own self is the ultimate path to happiness, as long as you are comfortable with the person that you are, and I am not. I could not tell him the whole truth, and I can not speak it out loud myself, so of what significance am I in a relationship? I am not an equal, I am less that him, and that is not something which my personality can handle. There is no guarantee that I'm supposed to do this, sometimes I wish the answer would just jump out at me. I want to be with him, it's just too difficult. Time to get my thoughts together, time to get my feelings straight. I don't want to be with someone if it isn't a complete one hundred percent. I wish I could hold you in your arms and take every little drop of pain that I've caused away, but I need to be honest with myself first, then move on and tell you how I feel. I've hurt myself but have hurt you more, and there is no apology that could ever make up for the pain in which I have caused. One day I hope he realizes that this was for the better, and that I'm just making a stupid immature mistake. I desperately hope that in this process I don't lose him, but I want him to be able to move on and make sure that this decision is for the best of our interests.