Basic Thoughts

"I do not want your love, my love, until you learn to love you."

Just two nights ago, I attempted to break it off with my boyfriend of almost 6 months. He made it absolutely impossible to do, saying how he would prefer a break. Well, I don't particularly believe in breaks from a person. But, just to attempt to make him happy for one last attempt, I gave in to him. I told him I would give him an answer on Sunday. But I don't think that's enough time. I don't think it ever will be. I care about him and I do 'love' him, but is that enough?

I'm lost. My heart doesn't know where it's going. I'm about to make this huge life change, and am not sure if he's going to be able to do it with me. I don't think he can. The only way that I could stick with him is if he changes with me, too.

Do I love myself? Do I love myself to let go of something, or someone, who could ruin my progress? Will my own willpower be stronger than the urges?

What really is loving oneself? Acceptance of one's own self worth? Loving your own insecurities? Well, I know that I'm worth something to someone- but worth the most to myself. What about my insecurities? My biggest insecurity are those scars on my back, or the way that I think,  but he loved(s?) all of them, or so he says. Maybe 'love' is having someone who will love all of those things you don't like about yourself, but is that really possible?

I don't think that he loves himself enough yet. I have tried giving him as much tender love and care as I could, and all has remained the same. He relies on me to make himself feel good, and that isn't right. In order for one to love another, you must love your own flaws, and he does not, and he makes no effort to change them. While my scars may be something permanent, the way in which I think can be changes, which I'm working on, and my diet can be changed, which I am also working on.

This post may be added onto later on. I've really stretched my sleeping schedule up this weekend, which doesn't contribute positively to the journey of a better me at all.